Snape and the Curry
by SnapeStyles
Summary: Follow Snape through his journey to the Gem Of India and the Hunger Games. Where he meets characters from all over including a certain british boy band boy(Harry Styles). Enjoy this heartfelt tale of a man fighting for his life, curry, and love.


Dat Fanfiction Tho

One day Snape decided he wanted some Indian Food:

I walked down the street past the woman standing in the street holding a stick of wrapping paper. What the hell is she doing there? I don't know… She seemed to be impersonating some sort of muggle official. These muggles I'll never understand them. I headed to the Gem of India. _I just want some goddamn Indian food. _I walked up the steps to this residence that looks like a house. Why would you have a restaurant in a house? I don't know. At this point I didn't really care I just wanted to have some spicy curry to put some color into my dark unsatisfying life. I walked inside with no one to sit me, I sat in a chair. A man with a beard and a turban came up to me and said, "What are you doing? I have another chair. Don't sit in that chair!" So I got up. Why was he so upset? It was a damn chair. Eventually after much unnecessary waiting my curry came. I looked down at the curry that orange color it reminded me of Lily… I cried. Although it brought back painful memories, it tasted like heaven and I knew I'd be coming back for more. As I was eating the last bite I looked up at the television in the corner of the small house-ish restaurant. The capital was announcing that the reaping ceremony was to begin soon. Oh God… I hope I'm not chosen. I went to pay the Indian man but we had to haggle over the price but in the end it was well more than I expected.

Snape went to the reaping:

Oh no not the reaping not now. The odds are never in our favor. But especially not for me. Not today. That Indian food was giving me the runs. But I felt I could hold it at least until the end of the ceremony. I was wrong.

One Hour Later

Where the hell is that woman? I can't hold it much longer. I really don't know what issue was more pressing; that I might get called to my death or that the fecal matter might start pouring out of my unnaturally short shorts. I thought my shorts looked perfect on my finally toned buttocks but alas, I was wrong. Finally that cotton-haired wretched woman arrived. And of course we had to deal with her overly happy personality. What do you have to be happy about? I'll never understand these muggles. And then it began. First the women were picked. Some bimbo named Katniss Everdeen made a loud spectacle of volunteering, she seemed to be having some gastrointestinal problems as well by the look on her face. Then it was the men's turn. Effie swirled her hand over the glass jar. Like the storm raging in my intestines. It made me think of Frozen. I cried. She plunged her hand into the jar digging deep. What are you looking for? Pick a damn piece of paper. She finally grabbed one and tore it out. Slowly, slowly she unfolded it.

"THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE!"

_Oh no._

"Who the hell is that?"

"They don't even go here!"

But indeed they did go here that was… me. At that moment it was decided what was the more pressing issue because alas, it all happened at once. My favorite shorts became soiled when the swampy orange; that was the same color as the curry, came pouring out. It didn't smell half bad it smelled of the curry which reminded me of Lily. I cried. The shorts couldn't hold it all and it began to stream down my perfectly toned and shaved leg muscles. The people in the square parted to let me to the stage. They parted like the Red Sea for Moses. Which is very fitting for the brown sea that was currently running down my leg. The bystanders began to run in fear of the sea of the curry. The smell reminded them of Hell. One cried. Another applauded. It was the Indian man. Very slowly I walked to the stage trying to stop the river of curry down my leg. There was no stopping it. I made it up there and looked back at my spectators I had left behind a trail of diarrhea that symbolizes my lost hopes and dreams. And my lost love; Lily. I cried. Effie asks me if I'm the Half Blood Prince. "Yes indeed I am." I replied. They began to lead us away but I protested. "I want to say goodbye. Let me say goodbye. I get a goodbye!" I called. I ran off the stage to my only friend. The Indian man. He was standing there with his bright turban and polished smirk, and he asked knowingly, "Come back for more?" I nodded eagerly. "Please find a way. Send me some in the arena. Be my sponsor. You can have my life savings if I die. It's hidden in my toilet. You know the back part where the water is." I begged. He nodded slowly. "Of course you cannot live without this curry." I nodded as I was dragged away. The doors began to close. I cried.

Snape arrived in the Capital:

I am being forced to collaborate with that bimbo Katniss in the games. But there are other people vying for my attention. A career named Cato. In the training room he keeps giving me bedroom eyes. I know the only reason he wants me is for what's in my pants… the "curry". But I am particularly fond of my mentor; Harry Styles. He is unusually flamboyant and he speaks in a british accent. I believe the way he won the games was by singing. With his voice he convinced the others to kill themselves by the sheer power of its amazingness. Sometimes he sings to me while I eat some of the "curry". And very rarely but sometimes I let him have a small amount of the "curry". Although he doesn't seem to enjoy it as much. He's more of a pub style boy. But that bimbo Katniss don't get none of my shet. None for you bitchy muggle. I am convinced that this Harry boy is a wizard of some sort the only way to explain how he won the games. Long story short we kept each other company.

A few days later Snape had done his evaluation:

I was sitting in the living room waiting for my score. I came up last. I got a score of -20. Apparently they did not like the spray of shet that came out of my ass like a fire hose. It propelled me around the room like a jet. I went flying through their bullet-proof glass into their box. After they took away my wand what did they expect me to do? In short, I indeed did come in like a wrecking ball.

Snape had one last time to see Harry:

We were sitting on the roof together. He sang to me for one last time. A beautiful hymn called live while we're young. I returned the favor by giving him a small amount of the "curry". This song and moment reminded me of Lily. I cried.

Snape was rising on the elevator to the arena:

_This is it._ I thought. _Well, you gotta live while you're young._ I thought of Harry. I cried. I felt a small squirt of diarrhea. Maybe this curry wasn't such a good idea. But where would I be without the "curry". The numbers ticked down in the arena. Tick, tick, tick. It was like the time bomb in my ass. I needed to find a secluded spot to release the fury. Then the cannon was fired and I turned around and ran. No time for the cornucopia right now. Maybe later. I had to save my ass at the moment. I found a nice bush to release the storm in my ass. As I squatted I witnessed the bimbo Katniss running with her pants down at her ankles. It's funny I was doing the same. Our eyes locked and we had a connection. I could see she had not mastered the technique of the diarrhea jet, as it was running down her legs and ankles. "You're doing it all wrong! Let me show you!" I shot a stream out so fast and powerful I flew a couple of feet off the ground. She stopped and stared.

While Snape was watching guard:

I was standing watch while the bimbo Katniss was practicing her new technique. Apparently the fight at the cornucopia was a massacre. There were only six of us left. I will never understand those muggles. Suddenly there was a ruckus and the group of careers walked out of the bushes. They paused and looked at me. Cato with those bedroom eyes again. We had a moment. But then he ran for me. I ran and yelled for Katniss. "We need more curry! I'm dried out!" She called. "Not now!" I whispered under my breath. "We need to run then!" I said. "No wait up the tree!" She ordered and began to climb. I followed until the careers couldn't get us. But they didn't leave, they stayed making a camp under us. Throughout the night Cato looked up and gave me bedroom eyes. "We need more curry." Katniss said. "I know." I whispered. As we waited through the night the careers fell asleep. When suddenly I heard a beeping noise I looked up. It was a gift, a gift from heaven. The gift of curry. I opened up the small paper in the package it read:

_We're surprised you had a sponsor after your low scores and the graphic footage_

_Of you and your partner at the games. Anyways use the curry well and whatever _

_Happens remember my song. _

_H_

He signed it with a simple curly H. I thought of his manly hand writing that simple letter. I cried. Into my curry my tears fell making it even more flavorful. Once the curry was gone I turned and aimed my ass at the careers. I shot out an acid filled shit-storm. And through my tears I screamed, "TONIGHT LET'S GET SOME AND SHIT WHILE WE'RE YOUNG!" The careers began to scream in agony as the curry shit burned them. They could not handle the Gem of India. One by one they fell to the ground dead. Cato was last and permanently looked up at the sky with hazy bedroom eyes. The bimbo Katniss and I looked at each other we shared a knowing smile. We descended from the tree and headed towards the cornucopia. As we entered the clearing I spoke up, "Let's end this together." She nodded. But I had other plans. I bent over and shot a blast at her. She fell to the ground and I stood over her. "I'm sorry Katniss. Remember, you gotta shit while you're young." I told her and shit on her face. She let out a muffled scream of agony before her life ended. I sat and waited for my helicopter to come get me. As I waited I ate the "curry". I would never give it up. I would eat it, always.

Snape returned to his hometown:

I was walking down the street when a man appeared in front of me, a man that was very familiar. It was Harry. We ran towards each other in slow motion. I leapt into his arms and he spun me around. As he did shit ran down my leg. Harry stopped dead and set me down staring at the wet spot running down my pants. "Snape what's wrong?" He asked concerned. "I'm just so happy to see you!" I replied. "So you shit!?" Harry screamed horrified. "It's just the curry." I said simply. He continued to stare at me in disgust. "That disgusting! OMG Snape why!? I'm sorry Snape but I can't continue with this. We're done." He said stepping away from me and walking away. As he walked away I held out my hand for him. And I cried. "Snape?" I turned to see the bright turban I loved but there was no knowing smirk on his face. A frown replaced it. "Who is that Snape?" He asked. "Indian man…" I whispered. "You betrayed me! And you shared the "curry" with him!" He called. "I never said that!" I protested. "But it's obvious! I can't believe you Snape! You are never allowed to eat at the Gem of India again!" He called and ran away. I held out my hand for him.

Snape was sitting on the toilet:

I sat on the toilet shitting alone. No bimbo Katniss. No Indian man. No Harry Styles. I was alone. Not even any curry. I sat in my sorrow. Even my life savings were gone Indian man had truly betrayed me. The toilet was empty my life was empty and I was alone. I thought of Harry. I cried. I thought of Indian man. I cried some more. I thought of Lily. I died.


End file.
